NEW YORK – Noted hairpiece Donald Trump took out a full-page ad in the New York Post today, filling it with an open letter to President Obama demanding the release of Osama bin Laden’s long-form death certificate. The letter is a rambling, masturbatory, incoherent mess that cannot be quoted by any respectable newspaper – see the Daily Mail for details and soft-core porn.
The thrust of Mr Trump’s rambling and self-congratulation is this: we can’t be sure of bin Laden’s death without a special long-form death certificate, though nobody but Trump seems to be know what precisely that may be.
Mr Trump’s criticism of the President has been joined by Ms Palin, who is disappointed that Mr Obama used so-called ‘elite’ troops to put down bin Ladin, and by Mr Gingrich, who inexplicably isn’t dead.
TORONTO – The former Leader of the Opposition has been admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto after coughing up a shoe. Doctors report that it was a red Converse sneaker.
“In terms of the shoe, danger to Mr Ignatieff’s life has passed. At this point, we are monitoring him for dangerous levels of shame and embarrassment,” a spokesperson for Mount Sinai told reporters.
The Liberal Party scheduled a candlelight vigil and expected a large turnout – few, however, have turned out.
TORONTO – Stephen Harper’s post-election plans have hit a snag, as corporate head-hunters at CIBC have discovered that substantial portions of the former Prime Minister’s resume have been copied verbatim from Paul Martin’s resume, which they have on file.
Shannon Desmaris, an official at CIBC, told reporters in a press release that Harper claimed credit for, “a substantial number of bills from the Martin era, as well as most of Martin’s achievements from his tenure as Finance Minister. And on top of that, there are serious gaps in Mr Harper’s recent work history – in fact, there are gaps for the past few winters.”
WINNIPEG – Stephen Harper is fuming after Conservative Party officials in Winnipeg interrupted his speech and ejected him from a party rally on Thursday. According to insiders, pictures and video clips have emerged of the uncomfortable leader shaking hands with rivals Michael Ignatieff, Jack Layton, and Gilles Duceppe.
“The Conservative Party rules are very clear on this point,” party hack Dimitri Soudas told reporters. “People with ties to the Liberals aren’t welcome.”
Harper attempted to look flustered as the RCMP escorted him out of the event, which proceeded normally (for a Conservative Party event) thereafter. No questions were taken, no promises made, and an environmental charity was destroyed.
OTTAWA – Campaigning can be rough on a politician’s family, but the Harper family has adopted a unique strategy: Benjamin and Rachel Harper are limited to five questions (split between them) per phone call to the Conservative Leader.
“Mr Harper is keen to stay on message as a father, and this strategy helps him do that,” a spokesperson for Mr Harper told reporters in an e-mail. Further queries have thus far gone unanswered.
Sources suggest that, this election, Mr Harper is much more keen to brand himself as the head of his household. Yesterday, he had Laureen Harper thrown out of a Conservative rally after Facebook photos emerged of her and Gilles Duceppe drinking highballs.
TORONTO – Blood is boiling at the Toronto Sun, with editor James Wallace demanding the resignation of a Statistics Canada official for suggesting that half of Canadians have below-average intelligence.
“It’s just outrageous,” wrote Naylor in an editorial this Sunday, “The media elites in this country are suggesting that one half of Canadians are stupider than the other half, and frankly everyone at Sun Media is disgusted. This is exactly why we need Sun TV!”
StatCan limited their comments respecting the situation, telling the Daily Mukluk in an e-mail, “Attempting to explain averages to the Sun has become a frustrating exercise in futility and tedium. We are recommending that Mr Wallace look up the Wikipedia page about averages. Actually, he should look up the Wikipedia Simple English page instead.”
The Toronto Sun, however, isn’t backing down. James Wallace is launching a libel suit on behalf of Canadians, saying, “It’s time to end the tyranny of statistics. Just because StatCan has facts on their side doesn’t mean that people should listen to them.”
CALGARY – Conservative campaign staffers breathed a sigh of relief as Mounties in Calgary finally located Mr Harper’s beloved childhood blanket, Wubby. The blanket, tattered, grey, and knit, was lost by Mr Harper last year, sparking a personal crisis for the Prime Minister.
“He lost all his confidence,” Laureen Harper told reporters on Saturday. “His psychiatrist ordered him to try building his self-esteem, so he spend tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars running TV ads to try and get people to like him. We even tried renaming the Canadian government after Stephen, but losing Wubby really hurt.”
Now that Mr Harper is reunited with Wubby, staffers are expecting that he’ll be kicking his campaign into high gear. Laureen agrees.
“Now, I bet he’ll be able to answer more than five questions without crying.”
OTTAWA – A ruling from the Supreme Court of Canada made one thing clear: fortune finally favours the Canadian taxpayer. The Justices voted 9-0 to convict Mr Harper and several other Conservative party lackeys, including top Harper aide Nigel Wright, for a laundry list of offences linked to the nefarious ‘In-and-out’ scandal, which Chief Justice Beverley McLachlin compared to money laundering.
“You know, American politicians like Tom DeLay have gone to prison over things like this. Why should Canadians settle for less? The fact that Mr Harper would dismiss a multi-million dollar fraud as an ‘accounting dispute’ speaks to the reckless arrogance of the man who would be king.”
Of course, today’s ruling would not have been possible without courageous and principled action on the part of Mr Harper’s former party members and the Opposition. The bold and outspoken positions taken by former Conservative MPs Inky Mark and Helena Guergis helped blow the scam wide open when they not only refused to take part, but reported the scam to Elections Canada, rather than cowardly towing the party line. Their unflappable moral stand inspired Parliament and provided Canadians a refreshing breath of integrity in the midst of the Harper government’s lies.
Similarly, Michael Ignatieff’s leadership in the past month, which consisted of passionate speaking and a degree of empathy, has roused the nation. Many Canadians have noted what a refreshing change this has been, in sharp contrast with Ignatieff’s previous aloof and fumbling manner.
Even Jack Layton is basking in public support, having told reporters that he regrets his previously counterproductive strategy of petulance and name-calling.
Truly, it is a great time to be Canadian.
March 10, 2011 – 11:27 pm
Categories: Politics
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Tagged Harper government, Helena Guergis, In and out scandal, Inky Mark, Jack Layton, Michael Ignatieff, Nigel Wright, Ottawa, Stephen Harper, Supreme Court of Canada
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OTTAWA – By order of the Prime Minister, Tim Hortons will be rebranded next week as Stephen Harper’s. The coffee and doughnut chain, which has three thousand locations across Canada, will begin changing signage over the weekend, along with cups and other items set to bear the company’s new logo.
Other elements of the chain are also being rebranded. For instance, “doughnuts” will now be “Harper Hoops”, and “Tim Bits” will now be called “Stephen Snacks”.
The Prime Minister’s spokesman Dimitri Soudas is defending the measure, saying that it “accurately reflects Canada’s leadership,” and “is really helping with Stephen’s crippling inferiority complex.”
Surprisingly, the move has not drawn much ire from the Opposition. Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe told reporters, “They shrunk the size of their doughnuts while charging the same price and they always burn their coffee. Stephen would want that named after him.”
The name change is apparently also causing some strategic changes at the corporate level. An even more massive ad campaign is expected for “Stephen Harper’s Roll up the Rim”, but the company has already been accused of sending all the winning cups to Conservative MPs and Rob Ford.
OTTAWA – An unusual vandal has targeted Parliament Hill, and the RCMP suspect that it may be none other than Prime Minister Stephen Harper. The trouble began earlier in the month, when parliamentary pages noticed that a painting of John A. Macdonald had been inexpertly altered.
“Someone drew in a really dorky haircut with crayons,” senior page Walter Wong told reporters. “And there was a University of Calgary pin stuck onto John A’s lapel.”
The graffiti continued, with dorky haircuts appearing on paintings off all the former prime ministers, from Alexander Mackenzie to Joe Clark. Later, all portraits of the Queen disappeared. It is what followed, however, that make the RCMP suspect that Mr Harper has had a hand in things.
“Overnight, all the statues around Parliament Hill started sporting sweater-vests. Like, really ugly sweater-vests,” Constable Bob Barna said in a press conference. “You’d think that a statue wearing a sweater-vest would look more relatable and electable, but that isn’t the case. They look pretty awkward.”
However, Mr Harper’s supporters content that he couldn’t be the vandal. The Prime Minister’s portraits on Parliament Hill – all eighty-three of them – have too been vandalized, though they are the only ones to now feature a crown.
